Share your end-of-life wishes by starting the conversation with those individuals who are likely to carry out your end-of-life plans.
The previous blog series, End-of-Life I–III, was designed to begin the conversation about dying and death as a lived experience. Reflecting on specific questions allowed you to become your own mirror—your journal becoming a “talking book” filled with your thoughts, wishes, and wisdom. That was a significant and courageous step forward.
Now, for your wishes to be honored through the hearts and hands of those closest to you, it may be time to open a dialogue with one or more individuals who are likely to carry out your end-of-life plans. Sharing your thoughts in conversation is the next meaningful step.
While those closest to you may already know parts of your story, there may be deeper things they need to hear. We often assume others know how we feel or what we want—but they may not. If you choose to speak with those you trust, begin gently. Honor your own comfort level. There’s no need to discuss everything all at once—just start with what feels most important now.
Start with Trust
Choose two or three people who are closest to you—those you feel most connected to and who might be willing to act on your behalf if you’re ever unable to speak for yourself. Ask if they’d be willing to support you in this way. Those who love you will often want to help, but it’s also okay if someone finds it too difficult and says no. Trust that the right people will say yes. You may end up having this conversation with more than one person, and that’s perfectly fine too.
Whoever you choose, they need to understand what’s most important and meaningful to you. They might have an idea, but clarity is a gift—to both of you. Below are some questions and sentence prompts you can reflect on and bring into the conversation. Continuing to journal will help you sort through these thoughts and make them easier to share.
Conversation Starters for Sharing Your Wishes
You don’t need to complete all these statements at once. Begin with what matters most right now. The prompts below may help guide your thoughts or give you language to begin the conversation.
- What matters to me through the end of my life is…
- As someone facing my dying and death, what I want to know about my condition and my treatment would be…
- When there is a medical decision to be made, I would like…
- I prefer to spend my final days at…
- When I die, I want … to be around me.
- If I were not able to speak for myself, I would want…
- When it comes to sharing information about my health with others, I want… and don’t want…
- The most important things I want others to understand are…
- The kind of celebration of life I want is…
- What matters most to me at the time of death is…
How to Begin the Conversation
When you feel ready, reach out. You might begin by saying:
- “Can we talk about some things that are important to me?”
- “Can you and I have a conversation about…?”
- “I need your help with something.”
- “I’ve been thinking about some things and want to be better prepared, just in case…”
- “I’ve shared my health concerns with you and have done a lot of soul-searching. I’d like to share what I’ve discovered.”
- “Would you be willing to help me with my end-of-life wishes?”
These first conversations usually lead to others. Life evolves, and so might your feelings, wishes, or decisions. Let your people know that you may change your mind—and that it’s okay. Even if others don’t agree with your choices, remind them gently that these are your wishes, and you know what’s best for you.
If something changes, note it in your journal. Add the date, describe the change, and clarify any new decisions or meanings. Share these updates with your people.
The Practical Side: Legal Documents
In addition to heartfelt conversations, written legal documents bring clarity and help ensure your wishes are followed. Two important documents to consider:
1. Health Care Proxy
Part of your advance directive, this names the person (and alternate) you choose to make health care decisions for you if you are unable to do so yourself.
2. Living Will
Also part of your advance directive, this outlines your preferences and wishes for medical treatment if you cannot speak for yourself.
Each U.S. state (and most countries) has its own laws and standard forms. These forms are usually available online, but depending on your needs, consulting an attorney may be best.
For U.S. residents, the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization offers access to state-specific forms.
Note: The information above is not legal advice. You may wish to visit The Conversation Project or email them at conversationproject@ihi.org for more resources and guidance.
Advance Preparation is a Gift
Dying is inevitable. Preparing for it doesn’t take away life—it gives it depth, presence, and peace.
Sharing your wishes, choosing your support team, and clarifying what matters most can bring relief to you and those who love you. It sets you free—in heart, mind, and body—to live fully, right up to the end.